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Friday, May 1, 2015

Of Tattoos and Standing Strong

Wow. It’s been a while. Sorry. And this isn’t going to be an alphabet post. Sorry. This is more important.

I got a tattoo today. It’s not a bad tattoo, but it isn’t what I wanted or envisioned.

My mom tells me I always come across very sure of what I want, picky even, exacting and unsatisfied until something is exactly as I want. (With tattoos, haircuts, etc.)

Ha. If only I were truly that strong in myself.

Truth is, I’m a pushover. If I feel like I’m being annoying, I back down. For the sake of not feeling like a burden, for the sake of peace, for the sake of not being one of “those” people, I cave. I want to avoid conflict. I don’t want to be seen as pushy, demanding, or controlling. In this case, I agreed to something when my gut screamed, “NO! NO, this is NOT okay! Yes, it looks good, but NO, it is NOT what you want! STOP!”

I didn’t stop it. I agreed. I said it looked good. I tried to be open to someone else’s interpretation of a design that I wanted done exactly like the original.

So now I have this tattoo. It’s on my back, which is good, and it’s pretty, which is also good. I’m quite positive it is fixable, which is very good. It won’t ever be exactly as I wanted, but it can be much closer. (And I can always get the actual original somewhere else. :P )

Because here’s the thing. I’m writing this story about these two sisters: Rab and Ari. Rab is fierce, passionate, and determined. She stands for what she believes. Even when she’s scared to death, she stands. Ari, however, is beaten down. She’s timid. She doesn’t express an opinion. She tiptoes around on eggshells, doing or saying whatever necessary to keep the peace. She lives under guilt, shame, and fear.

I want to be like Rab. But, truth be told, I am far more like Ari.

No more. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I’m not doing this anymore. I’m not putting up with being pushed around, whether the person intends to do it or not.

I will stand. I will be strong. Because THIS is what marks a strong character and a strong human: being yourself in a world that is constantly trying to change you to fit their mold. Allowing the real you to shine forth. Period.

Rab is in me. She is the real me. The Ari in me is exactly like the Ari in the story: beaten down by fear, believing lies about herself, convinced she’s worthless and weak and has no voice.

Rab has her issues in the story; by no means am I saying she’s perfect or always right. She’s wrong often. She can be a total b*tch. 

But one thing she does well is stand.

I admire her for it. I wish I could be that way. 

The only thing stopping me is me.

So I’m done being a pushover. I’m done shrinking back in fear.

I will stand. Whether I stand alone, whether I stand in the middle of a battlefield with enemies all around, I WILL STAND. For in that, is true freedom.

And I’m getting this tattoo fixed, one way or another. :P

1 comment:

  1. Hello Angie Griealiunas. So good to know you thorugh your profile on the blogger. I am also glad to stop by your blog post and have an opportunity to share with you about the program our church in Mumbai, India has for the young and the adults from the West. I am in the Pastoral ministry for last 37yrs in this great city of Mumbai a city with great contrast where richest of rich and the poorest of poor live. we reach out to the poorest of poor with the love of Christ to bring healing to the broken hearted. We also encourage young and the adults from the West to come to Mumbai to work with us during their vacation time. Since you have your interest in human trafficking it would be great opportunity if you come with your friends to work with us in Mumbai so that it would help us in a better way to work against human trafficking. I am sure you will have a life changing experience. My daughter was involved in resqueing minor girls from prostitution. Would love to hear from you very soon. My email id is: dhwankhede(at)gmail(dot)com and my name is Diwakar. God's richest blessings on you.